How to Cook Like Me!

How to Cook Like Me!

As most recipes and cooking guides these days are more full of personal stories and pictures of significant others/beloved animals than they are cooking advice, let’s just skip all that for now and cut right to the chase. Here’s how to cook just like me:

  1. Find a recipe you like.
  2. Purchase 50-65% of the ingredients required for said recipe.
  3. Follow the recipe for 2 or 3 steps.
  4. Realize you don’t have all the necessary ingredients/the ingredients you do have aren’t cooperating as advertised.
  5. Stop following the recipe.
  6. Turn your attention to cooking other, non-recipe-related items, or doing other non-cooking related stuff (such as trying for the hundredth time to recover the password to your Yahoo email account, as that’s the only account your dad sends you emails to despite telling him a million times to send stuff to your gmail account).
  7. Burn your hands multiple times on hot spatulas, pots, pans, oven racks, as a result of either not having or not using the proper cooking tools (i.e. being a numbnuts).
  8. Swear at yourself.
  9. Tell yourself that you’re “just going to cook from scratch” or that “you’d rather do a different recipe.”
  10. Swear at yourself some more.
  11. Eat random mixture of ingredients.
  12. Look for more recipes to sort of cook in the future.

It’s as easy as that. Now get to it!

9 Things Not To Do In An Interview

9 Things Not To Do In An Interview

Interviews can be difficult, and advice regarding interviews is often inconsistent and unclear. Here are 9 things you should not do in an interview:

  1. Not wear pants (unless the job is one of the pant-less variety)
  2. Not brush your teeth or forget to wear your pants
  3. Not make eye-contact, unless you forgot to  brush your teeth and/or wear your pants
  4. Not believe the job is most assuredly yours even though you forgot to wear your pants and brush your teeth and, as a result, avoided eye-contact during most of the interview
  5. Not tell the interviewer you have a list of 9 things that make you the most qualified candidate for the job and then only provide five

Relationships are an Antiquated Concept (and other catchy headlines that begin with R)

Rocks aren’t Always what they Appear (but most are)

Roger Rabbit Kills Again!

Roofs Fail More Often than Thought 

Rolfing; No One Knows What it is

Roy Hobbes Denies Steriod Use

Rupees; the Herpes of Currency

Real World Season 19 (15 hours of people staring at their phones)

Rotund People Deserve Respect from those with Less Tund 

Rocket Lands on Mars; Decides it Sucks; Returns

Runner’s High; Worst High School Ten Years Running

Really Terrible Puns Responsible for More Deaths each Year than Big Pun 

Rapper Big Pun Mentioned in Blog Post for the first time since early 90’s

Life is Fleeting, but so Aren’t Fleets

Here one minute, gone the next. That’s life. Life is fleeting, but so aren’t fleets. Nothing is more fleeting than fleets, actually. They are the fleetiest thing in this crazy thing called life. They are what the kids don’t refer to, as: “On Fleet!”

And the greatest fleet of them all? It’s a tie, between the Allied invasion fleet during D-Day and Fleetwood Mac.

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Some Conventional Non-Conventional Advice

Some Conventional Non-Conventional Advice

You want to live a life worth living? Here’s some advice to that end (or, at least, advice that ends, just eight bullet points and a curt valediction later):

  • Seize the day (gently caress the night)
  • Get back on the bull (unless it’s an actual bull, then run for your life…and stop riding bulls)
  • Never give up (unless you’re doing something stupid; then stop doing whatever it is and don’t start again)
  • Always look both ways before crossing the street (unless the sun is located on one side of the street; in that case advert your eyes from that direction because…)
  • Never stare directly at the sun (unless your contact lenses are solar powered, or something really awesome on the sun is going on, like a Radiohead concert)
  • The love you take is equal to the love you make (which I don’t understand, mostly because I’m terrible at math)
  • Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today (I don’t have a witty comment for this one and don’t really have time to come up with one right now, but I will be sure get back to you in a day or two)
  • Don’t spend your time reading terrible blogs (don’t spend your time reading terrible blogs).

Good luck!