As most recipes and cooking guides these days are more full of personal stories and pictures of significant others/beloved animals than they are cooking advice, let’s just skip all that for now and cut right to the chase. Here’s how to cook just like me:
- Find a recipe you like.
- Purchase 50-65% of the ingredients required for said recipe.
- Follow the recipe for 2 or 3 steps.
- Realize you don’t have all the necessary ingredients/the ingredients you do have aren’t cooperating as advertised.
- Stop following the recipe.
- Turn your attention to cooking other, non-recipe-related items, or doing other non-cooking related stuff (such as trying for the hundredth time to recover the password to your Yahoo email account, as that’s the only account your dad sends you emails to despite telling him a million times to send stuff to your gmail account).
- Burn your hands multiple times on hot spatulas, pots, pans, oven racks, as a result of either not having or not using the proper cooking tools (i.e. being a numbnuts).
- Swear at yourself.
- Tell yourself that you’re “just going to cook from scratch” or that “you’d rather do a different recipe.”
- Swear at yourself some more.
- Eat random mixture of ingredients.
- Look for more recipes to sort of cook in the future.
It’s as easy as that. Now get to it!
Interviews can be difficult, and advice regarding interviews is often inconsistent and unclear. Here are 9 things you should not do in an interview:
- Not wear pants (unless the job is one of the pant-less variety)
- Not brush your teeth or forget to wear your pants
- Not make eye-contact, unless you forgot to brush your teeth and/or wear your pants
- Not believe the job is most assuredly yours even though you forgot to wear your pants and brush your teeth and, as a result, avoided eye-contact during most of the interview
- Not tell the interviewer you have a list of 9 things that make you the most qualified candidate for the job and then only provide five
Positive Mental Attitude (or “P.M.A.). Let’s parse that out a bit. Positive. Mental. Attitude. Positive: electricity. Mental: crazy person. Attitude: panache. So, from there, it’s clear to see that if you electrocute a crazy person who has a good sense of style, then you will create a Positive Mental Attitude.* If you do this frequently enough, then, eventually, you can do whatever, and get whatever you want in life. Sure, you might end up in prison for the rest of that life, but you will have obtained PMA. And that’s all that matters in life.
*This is what doctors in insane asylums were trying to produce. They just neglected the “A” in P.M.A. Have you seen some of the outfits they had crazy people wear in those facilities? Tacky.